What's up with the ending?  Why on earth does Samantha agree to go along with your (&%ing 'compromise'?

So, we're supposed to be exclusive for the rest of our lives despite the fact we haven't even started college?   Not even Sam's goggly-eyed parents could make that work.  

If we never experiment when we're young, we're going to be tempted to cheat on each other when we're older.  Sam needs to see other people too.  After college, if we still feel the same about each other, that would be the right time to totally commit.  

If I ever get married, it's forever.  If divorce is an option, I'll stay single.  I'm definitely not going to have some kid I only see on the weekends.  

Why are you such a jerk?  Why do women put up with you?

Women don't have to "put up" with me -- except maybe my mom.  I just hang out with girls at parties and fool around a bit.  Ever since I was, like, 13 I got a lot of attention from girls and I take advantage of it, but I'm not asking anyone to get serious with me or claiming to be boyfriend material.  The whole thing with Samantha is totally unexpected.  

You're interning at a music magazine.  What's your take on contemporary popular music?

Kanye and Taylor Swift need to stop grabbing the microphone from each other and produce a songwriting lovechild.  She's got the accessibility and pleasant melodies but can seem clueless.  He's just about figured out what he really wants to say and the message matters.  

Hi Delaney,

What exactly went through your head, after prom, when Samantha told you that she was in love with you, wanted to marry you and have your kids one day?

Walk.  Away.  Slowly.  Don't take your eyes off her until you're inside the cab and driving away.  

Oh, god, do I really have to answer this?  That's personal stuff I don't really like to get into.  I'm probably going to talk to Sam first before answering.  To be continued ...

-July 30

I'm told I have to answer this question fully, so … 

It didn’t surprise me as much as you might think when she told me she wanted to marry me and have my baby. 

Not so long ago when I was still living back home in Connecticut, I took her to hang out with some of my close friends.  Not a big party or anything.   It was the first time I tried to get her and them together.  You would not believe the stuff that came out of her mouth.  I should have taken her upstairs and put something in her mouth.  She doesn’t know when to hold back, to protect herself from people knowing her secrets.  It’s like some girl who’s sensitive about her nose but walks into a party and starts commenting on other people's noses.  She’s insecure about stuff and puts it out there for everyone to see.  She told Nicolette and Meghan that they aren't allowed to rag on this girl at school who got pregnant senior year because "it’s only natural for women to get pregnant when they have sex.  All of you are having sex too.”  Seriously!@!#$$% That’s what she said in front of all my guy friends and a few of my close girl friends. 

Later she told me she was thinking of her mom's situation way back when, but you can imagine how everybody took it.  The whole night was a running joke...  “Are you planning to start a family, Soccer girl?”  "You're gonna be on the hook for 18 years, Del."  I prefer being alone with her.  She’s crazy in a way I respond to one-on-one but not around my friends.

That being said, it's total bullshit the way people say she's my stalker.  It’s obvious I got this serious thing for her.  If I don’t touch her at least once a week, I can't stand to be around anyone … And that’s not just sex.  I know what "just sex" feels like.  We are really open with each other in private, even if it’s physical communication, it’s still clear to both of us.  If I was thirty and wanted kids, it would be easy.  But we can’t do anything about it when we’re so young.  Even if I feel that way about her now, I’m not ready.  Pretending like we’re old enough to get engaged or something like that would be the kiss of death.  We have to be honest and let each other grow up more, strike out on our own.  I have to get away from my parents and focus on what I’m going to do with my life.  Being a professional playboy isn't really an option for me; I’m not loaded like Sam’s 2nd dad.  I want to study and work in a music-related field and try whatever crazy shit I want.  But even if that’s the reality for now, we do talk about shacking up.  At some point we want to be able to promise to be faithful to each other for life and actually mean it (unlike half the people who make that vow.)  

Samantha mentioned that I told her I was flattered by what she said about wanting to marry me and have a kid.  What I meant is that Samantha has a real family; they treat each other like you imagine family to be when you’re in kindergarten.  That someone like her, who has this very positive image of family, thinks I’m for her has been a revelation.  I take that very seriously now.  Even the first time she said something insane like that to me, when we barely knew each other, it got me thinking.  And that was just the start of this connection she and I have, this chemistry that makes us both go flighty and talk about being in love forever.

I saw my brother the other day and he was saying the same old crap to me about how I shouldn't keep seeing her because she's gonna try to tie me to her -- as outlandish as that sounds, my mom says the exact same thing.  That's my family for you.  But that's not Samantha.  I probably used to say stuff like that to her, trying to get her to cool her jets when she talked about her “intuitions” about us.  But I don’t play with her emotions about stuff like her getting knocked up.  She doesn't let me be as asshole and say stuff like, "Oh god no, that would be horrible."  She’s coming from this romantic place where she can only enjoy being with me if the idea is that sex and whatever comes with it is good.  I can’t remember the exact words, but she can't handle absolutes like "There's no way we could have a kid." We have to keep it to stuff like “That’s not really the best plan, Sam.”  She just doesn’t want to hear about how unplanned kids are a disaster.  So, I wasn't as shocked by the whole baby thing on prom night.  I was surprised that she said it so explicitly but not shocked by her feelings.  She’s not going to come visit me at college, stay up all night with me on the regular, without serious intentions about our relationship.  That’s who she is, and there is something breathtaking about her intensity.

We like to hang out, play sports, joke around, and all the while, every time I look across at her, I’m thinking of how she’s got the most erotic way about her.  She’s not the most confident or flaunty about her body, doesn’t act like she thinks she’s all that, but to me that just makes her sexy in this kind of subdued alluring way.  She’s panting, turning her face away like she doesn’t want me to see her fall apart.  Yet she loves it and can’t stop herself from making noise and twitches around.  Maybe I’m domineering, and like to have free reign over all the soft spots on her body, but she’s not complaining.  Let's just take a look at her mom's history.  Okay, maybe not; I shouldn't go there.  

I have changed so much because of her.  I agreed to let my parents invite her to stuff so they can all meet, and I don’t have time for the old fights.  I keep my room at college girlfriend-friendly 24/7, so even if she snoops around there's nothing to find.  All my roommates know who she is and it’s not their deal to say anything to upset her.  She’s always here, a few days every week, and I never feel like, eh, she’s sleeping over another night.  I only think about how I should probably take her out to do something in the city and not just play around with her in my room, eat Chinese take-out and watch videos online.  What I think about when Samantha says she loves me is that I like the benefits of it, personally, emotionally.  Having someone who feels for you like that can be a big responsibility but I care about her too, enough to worry about not hurting her.  It’s like I have this whole sappy part of myself I didn’t have before.  And at the same time, we understand how we’re different and why I’m not at the monogamous stage yet.  I’m okay when she’s jealous and freaks out; I just hug her and whisper lovey-dovey stuff to her.  We’re always cool when we’re together like that.

- August 2

Why did you treat Samantha so badly at school and ignore her around your friends?

There’s good reason for keeping her away from my friends and not paying attention to her at school.  I rely on my friends, more than my parents.  If my car breaks down, I’m calling my brother or one of my friends.  We've known each other forever – we were having co-ed slumber parties in middle school – you can probably imagine what was happening in the walk-in closets – and then some of us started dating, but the friendship comes first.  The girls especially are very protective about letting anyone new hang out with us.  They don’t want it to stop being this easy atmosphere where we can do stupid shit and nobody cares.  Nicolette can walk around in her underwear, act like a diva and nobody cares, nobody calls her a stuck-up bitch.  We've known her since back when she wore braces for two years. 

It’s not like I’m going to convince my friends to accept Samantha or the girls to stop complaining about her.  They already blame Sam for things not being the way they used to be, not hanging out as much.  There’s no way they’re going to appreciate Sam like I do … for obvious reasons.  

- August 15

When did you first notice Samantha in sophomore year, and did you plan on asking her out or was it an impulsive thing that came on you at that dance?

I noticed Samantha the first time we had practice together in the fall of her freshman year -- a year before we went out on a date.  From the very beginning, I knew she liked me.  She was kind of skinny and young but it's not like I didn't think she was attractive.  I just wasn't going to get involved with a kid, a kid who was emotionally fragile and all over the place. 

The first couple times I spoke to her -- like when she came apologizing for kicking a soccer ball at my head -- it was so clear she had this kiddie crush on me.  My friends loved to make fun of her for her geeky obsession with soccer -- she'd run twice as much as any other player on the field and act all serious while the other girls were just fooling around and having a good time.  I didn't want to get involved in ragging on her too, but she was kind of ridiculous -- they'd be losing 6 to zip and she'd be upset with the ref about a foul call.

The girls I hung out with in high school, not just Nicolette, were so threatened by Samantha.  I'll never totally understand that, but I tried to defuse things by pretending I didn't notice her.  When this didn't work, I told her I wasn't interested because I didn't want her to keep being the butt of jokes.  And why would I be interested in going out with a virgin who would most likely freak out at something I said or did.  I didn't think she'd truly enjoy my company either.

Sophomore year, she was the same person, but she looked a little different, more grown up.  Her sisters think it's all about her body -- but she also seemed more secure in herself.  Not so serious about everything.  Not so angry about certain things, such as kids at school who didn't treat her well and, later I learned, family stuff that used to bother her.  When I saw her at that dance, doing a parody of the cheerleaders, it was clear she was more comfortable with herself, less hung up on me and also less self-conscious.  Her dancing was actually pretty funny -- a lot more effortless and fluid than her soccer playing.  This comedic side of her was something I wasn't aware of at that time.  I didn't realize she spent her weakness haranguing guys like Anton and her dad, scoring zingers. 

At the dance it occurred to me that it could be a lot of fun hanging out with her and possibly fooling around.  I'm not gonna lie; I knew I would make a pass at her as soon as I thought she might be receptive.  And when she acted like she was going to faint just because I kissed her, I knew it could end up being a very good night.  Little did I know that she had plans for me too.  And she still has me ensnared.  

Ruth asked:  How did you cope with Samantha's boy friends from Yale. Did you get jealous over any guy friends or just the guy from her physics class that she enjoyed sitting with. Did you ever encourage Samantha to date other people in this stage of your life?

This is a tough question for me to answer because I'd prefer to forget or pretend nothing happened, but I will sit down and write out some thoughts for you, Ruth.  

When I'm not busy with work, I spend most of the time with my kids, who aren't happy without at least one outing per day, which means you can find me hanging out at the westside park most evenings.  When Sam and I have a date night (her parents are great babysitters) she will occasionally push her luck (instead of doing what she ought to be doing on date night ...) and bring up the past, particularly the time when we were in college and had an "open" relationship.  I was living loose back then, some wild nights and reckless dalliances, and it really bothered her.  She was my priority, so I'd talk with her on the phone in the middle of the night whenever she felt bad about the status of our non-exclusive relationship, but I insisted I wasn't ready for any more of a commitment.

We've discussed her feelings on the subject a millions times, but I never throw it back in her face and say, "Well, what about that graduate student at Yale who used to follow you around like a sad puppy?"  Seriously, you should have seen this guy.  He liked to tell Samantha how smart she was and then just stare at her waiting for her to reciprocate.  I didn't feel threatened by him.  Or at least not until the very end when she was about to graduate and I was making plans to ask her to live with me:  at that point I really didn't want her hooking up with him or anyone else.  I guess I was starting to develop those possessive feeling guys talk about.  It's not that I said anything like, "Hey, I'm about to propose to you so don't fuck some other guy," but I myself had stopped hooking up with other women "for fun." There was a lot going on for me.  My life was thoroughly occupied with preparing myself for the expected shock to my system that would come the day I promised to be faithful to her for the rest of my life.  It was such a daunting prospect:  I worried that I couldn't be monogamous and that I'd end up a cheater like my dad, which really would have killed me.  I did not want to lose her or do something she couldn't forgive.

As it turns out, we've been married for 7 years and being exclusive with Sam hasn't been a burden whatsoever.  I think the fear of it was what froze me, kept me from acting.  The reality is pleasant and easy.  Not that we jumped into having a kid or something, tying ourselves to each other with a bond that forced us to stay together.  We had a long honeymoon period with lots of evenings at home doing nothing (saying money) when we first got married.  It was different and better than I imagined -- and not just lots of uninhibited sex now that she trusted me fully.  Sam and I always had great chemistry and it played out so well without the sting of jealousy, which always came between us before and was all on me.  I don't think Samantha actually went all the way with any guys at Yale, but I've never asked her outright because it wouldn't be fair -- and I prefer not knowing.  I do know she met some guys for movies and dinners, including her milquetoast grad student friend. And I think they did make out a few times.  I'm sure her parents would have been thrilled with him as a son in law.  However, they're keen on me now that they have a couple cute grandkids.  If Sam's dad gets on my case about something, I just make a threesome joke and he usually clams up.  (By the way, I just reread your question and, no, I never was the least bit jealous of any high school guys Sam hung out with; I knew they didn't do anything for her.  It was just so lame to hang out with highschoolers after I graduated from Darcy High that I was a total dick and refused to go to Samantha's prom with her.  She ended up going with girlfriends, like her overachiever friend Angela, and I think they all had a pretty good time.)   

Now I'm gonna go home, have sex with my wife, and NOT ask her if she slept with other guys while at Yale.

All the best,

Delaney

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